Phaistos Shocker!

[Ed.: Breaking News: Fragmentary Poets present this exclusive first-run world edition of the first, ever correct translation of the Phaistos Disk. Keep checking this site for updates and coverage of the world’s reactions.]

The Phaistos Disk is not
written in Modern Greek!

Dr. Bruno Fabrizio has returned from Crete with this shocking news. According to Fabrizio’s groundbreaking paper, which was leaked to the press by Nikos the Blade, the most reputable source for news from the underworld of east Iraklio, the well-known Disk of Phaistos is not a cipher of modern Greek. Greece refuses to accept this.

‘This is most certainly not Greek, this disk,’ says Fabrizio. ‘I am tell you what is, this disk, but it is no modern Greek. It is no proto-Byblic either. Very stupid. No Batavian either’.

Authorities have barricaded all access to the Archaeological Museum of Iraklio, the current location of the famous disk, ready to protect the disk and the museum from the ensuing riots.

‘This is the worst riots in the Crete, and in the Greece, since it happens the victory of the Greece in the Euro Cup,’ states Iraklio police chief Nikos Aigofori. ‘There are many peoples, many goats and donkeys in the plataia. It is now hard for me to enjoy my bougatsa. But it is ready for us; we will protect the disk at all costs, until five this evening'.

When asked what he thought the reaction would be among the Greek diaspora, Aigofori replied, ‘Why? You know my cousin? What he says about me? Don’t listen to him'.

Fabrizio was unmoved by the riots all over Greece in protest to his controversial finding, though he did ackowledge the death threats. He asserted that the truth is the truth. He is currently being protected by Swiss authorities in Ticino. In Locarno, actually. He is often found at the Caffè Poggio, between 2 and 4pm.



[Ed.: Below is Fabrizio’s translation. He has rendered the translation of the original Mesaran, as Fabrizio calls it, into English.]




The Disk of Phaistos, translation and explication by Dr. Bruno Fabrizio, currently visiting scholar at Università di Baiae (editorial assistance provided by Fragmentary Poets)

Each of the forty-five imprimati may be read as either a phonetic sign or as a logogram or as a determiner. So they may have sound value, word value, or only semantic value. This depends entirely on context. Mesaran is a complex language.

Side 1: It is impossible to discern which side is the first, so my choice is arbitrary, but it will be clear that it does not matter. The side begins from the center and spirals outward.


The text (in English): 'Not redeemable for cash; property of Mesara Casino and Spa; destruction is punishable with impressment into the Rhadamanthys Legion’s Foreign Brigade; while in Mesara enjoy these services from our partner businesses: Agia Triada Escorts; Matala Massage Parlor; Adult Tablet and Mime of Gortyn'.

Side 2, text: Lotus Line Personals: 'Potniai seeking boys: Lotus-lover seeks athletic, unconventional boy; kernos major in college seeks leather- and yoking-partner in business-minded boy, send your horn or carrier-pigeon; Do you like long walks on the hot, Mesara plain? Tired of jumping bulls? If so, and you are a stylish boy, meet me in the Kamares cave for a good time. [new passage] Do the Mycenaeans get you down? Come east for peace. Caves of Diktē is a closed, resort community now accepting reservations'.

These texts are the missing link that scholars have been seeking. Phaistos was clearly the economic center of the region, with ample storage and accommodation and catering services. Agia Triada now seems to be the detached high-roller suites. Kommos, the seaport for the Mesara, has puzzled with its foreign artifacts. It now clearly seems to be the 'party spot' of the island, the probable destination for Cypriot, Egyptian, Ugaritic and even counter-cultural Mycenaean revelers.

By analogy, the role and function of Knossos, Amnisos, Malia, Gournia, Mokhlos, Palaikastro, and Kato Zakros must now be reconsidered. [Graduate students in classical archaeology are expected to join the riots.]

The Epistle of Amber, a translation submitted

[Ed.: E. W. Ruddybottom-Jones, a graduate working no doubt assiduously towards completion of his DPhil dissertaion at the University of Blackpool, has offerred the following translation of the section of Amber's Epistle as released by The Secret Priory. The numerical referencing and commentary, such as it is, is also Mr Ruddybottom-Jones's.]


Amber's Letter to Mary Magdalene, trans. E. W. Ruddybottom-Jones, MStud, MA, ABD DPhil (Atrum.)


1 Amber, the first wife of the Jesus Christ through wishingness of god to those being with Magdalene Maria, but not to Magdalene Maria herself; 2 favor to the lot of you, but not to Magdalene Maria herself, and a peace away from god of father of us and of lord Jesus Christ. 3 Within before years in which we were walking against/towards the same road in Ierysalēm. 4 ¿Indeed now those things escaped your notice, o holy things? I am mindful of them and of you. 5 Many men were walking away with you, but you were walking backwards alone, and I. 6 We were non-hetairai prostitutes as most beautiful as possible in Ierysalēm. 7 On that day whenever Jesus saw me having stood towards the entrance of city and said, 8 'O blossom of land of Iuda, follow to me into desert for the duration of forty nights'. 9 But you threw with your tiara me having marched with him. 10 I was ululating thoroughly, 'O Magdalene Maria, you too, bitch!'. 11 Many tears for me; and a womanly woman to tears. 12 Within two years in with I learned that you to bear two daughters calling Sara and Trixi. 13 Whenever you were following to the Jesus towards Golgotha, I took them in exchange for others. 14 In every way for them there is necessity to die since there is need, I shall kill those she bore. 15 In every way these things have been done and will not be fleeing out. 16 Since I [etc.


Commentary
1 This opening is not unlike indroductory passages to other epistles by holy people. Amber identifies herself as the woman of Jesus. How could we have all been so wrong for so long?

2 NB: the second exclusion of Magdalene Maria. Could there be hostility between Amber and Magdalene Maria?

3 The toponym 'Ierysalēm' is elsewhere unattested. The hapax legomenon gives this letter an air of mystery.

4 The direct address to 'holy things' is awkward. Perhaps it is derisive, evidence of Amber's deep hatred.

5 These women had the supernatural ability to walk backwards. This is evidence of the prevalence of witchcraft.

6 How could non-hetairai prostitutes know how to write Greek?

8 'Iuda' also is unattested. Perhaps the speaker is Welsh, indicating in the Queen's English 'You, there'. 'Forty nights' is just a literary device meaning 'infinity nights'.

9 Magdalene Maria had a tiara, indicating how sucessful and prosperous she was as a non-hetaira prostitute.

10 Ululation is a common expression of mourning or outcry in the Levant and and much of the Near East, according to the BBC World Service. The use of 'bitch' here may be better understood as 'stupid cow'.

11 Amber was a womanly woman. This is important to understand. She is not what she is, but simply she is. This is her voice.

12 Sara is the alleged daughter of Mary Magdalene born in France. (If Sara were a clever girl, she would move to Switzerland for better taxes.) If Amber kidnapped Sara andd swapped her for another girl, then this renders the whole assumption, the whole secret of the Priory of Scion utter rubbish. Trixi is not mentioned in any other text. She may have reached Picadilly, where many there are hundreds of non-hetairai women so named.

13 There is a problem with the Greek that is best ignored.

14 There is another problem with the Greek here that also is best ignored.

15 Our English cannot render this any better.